If he hasn't married you by now, he isn't going to

I know this girl named Angela and she has been dating a guy for over 7 years now. She has been waiting and waiting for him to "pop the question" and marry her.

The problem however is that he never does. He is an overweight nerd who oddly enough bullies her in the relationship because she has low self esteem and doesn't seem to realize she can:

  • Stand up for herself.
  • Dump him whenever she wants.
  • Find someone nicer.

But because she has low self esteem, she keeps waiting and waiting. Hoping someday he will marry her.

Except here is the thing...

If he hasn't married you by now, he isn't going to.

So simple.

I would set the limit at 4 years.

If you are dating a man for 4 years and he never discusses marriage / pops the question during those 4 years, then he has no intention of ever getting married. Definitely not to you.

Four years is more than enough time for a man to realize he loves you and he wants to marry you. If he doesn't propose and set a date for the wedding, then he doesn't want to marry you.

Waiting 5, 6, 7 or more years? Pff. He just likes having you around because you are his friend with benefits. He doesn't want to marry you, he just wants the perks of free sex / being your friend.

So if you are nearing the 4 year mark you need to ask yourself the following questions?

Is the romance in your relationship dead?

Is he refusing to get married?

Is he just taking advantage of you?

If you answered Yes to 1 or more of the above, you should consider dumping him immediately.

If you answered Yes to 2 or 3 of the above, you should IMMEDIATELY dump him.

If you answered No to all three questions, and if you are nearing the 4 year mark, then stop wasting time and you should propose marriage to him.

Just propose to him. Get it over with. Propose. Who cares about tradition. Just do it.

If he refuses, pretend like everything is normal for 1 week to see if he changes his mind.

Then dump him if he still hasn't softened on the idea of marriage. If he loves you, he should want to marry you.

Maybe after he has been without you for awhile he will change his mind and realize he now wants to marry you, but you might have to go through this painful process to get him to that realization.

If he doesn't change his mind and want to marry you, start dating someone else. Find someone you love who is marriage material. Don't waste your time with playboys who just want hanky panky with no commitment.


Funny Relationship Advice, Part 1: Marriages








And lastly, if you cannot trust your spouse-to-be with your phone, then you have no business getting married.


Augmented Reality Speed Dating Platform

By Rob C.

Inspired by the November 15th 2016, AMA Toronto panel discussion entitled The Future Today: How Marketers Can Leverage Emerging Technologies, I would like to present my ideas on the components necessary in creating a functional AR speed dating solution.

AR = Augmented Reality. If you have already played Pokemon Go, you know how that works. If you have not then check out the short film below, "Sight", which shows what some theorize the future of Augmented Reality might look like.




 
Regarding the AMA Event – held at 345 Adelaide St W after work;  I was impressed by the people I met there and the synergistic ideas in the room regarding overcoming the challenge of getting adopters and making mavens for phone apps and other bits of innovative technology. A top Toronto B2B marketing consultant Tania Stadnik organized the event and introduced the speakers. Personally I was more stimulated by all the hip Toronto event bloggers in the audience, (Shanny, Raymi and Wedding Girl) than I was with the three well know ‘thought leaders’' on stage, Adam Green from Google Canada, Zahra Rajani the VP Digital Experience at Jackman Reinvents, and Kevin Keane from Brainsights.  They're okay but I don't read their stuff the same way I soak up the girl's blogs - but that's me.

In the hour long talk that followed these marketing idealists discussed the many distracting elements of technology which discourage people from adopting new systems and practices that could be very beneficial to their organization. In the hierarchy of change management there are early adopters and mavens at the top and and the slow pokes at the bottom who are still using their blackberries. The secret is to find managers in between that have shared goals and to remove roadblocks at all levels of the enterprise. And of course, the unspoken truth is that the application itself must have a dead simple interface and be easy to use and understand and be immediately rewarding to the user.

Augmented Reality Dating Programs need Facebook API

We here at True Love Bites we been wrapping our brains around how to launch this city’s first augmented reality singles event after seeing the short film, "Sight" ensconced on Laura Bilotta’s Single in the City blog about augmented reality dating and reading there about the call for developers to make apps for the new device.  We have concluded that in order to get any details worth reporting in a wingman app of any description, the software would have to access the massive database of personal information stored at Facebook, failing that Twitter, and after that Instagram.

The short film Sight was created by students Eran May-raz and Daniel Lazo at the Bezalel Academy of Art and Design, the film explores the potentials and hazards of Augmented Reality ‘wingman’ apps. But the amount of data that a male user is seeing could only come from a sophisticated social network like Facebook – no dating profile user is going to put that much information about themselves in a dating profile.

An AR enabled speed dating event however encourages everyone to participate in the tech exercise. Sure there’s the usual wine and cheese and the usual long table with men on one side and women on the other, but this speed dating event is very different. Our Meetup is a smart phone powered free WiFi enabled occasion; app users also need to enable the audio speaker function and share a headset – cool huh? Like the two dogs in the Disney movie Lady and the Tramp eating the spaghetti. 

Everyone’s smart phone must download the AR app, they then sign in using their Facebook profile, which will then comb through their Facebook profiles for mutual interests. So when the app users meet the program will use audio (voice track) to help them more meaningfully explore their commonalities in the few minutes they have together.

Which oddly enough is a bit like Facebook stalking each other at the same time, in person. Whatever.

So let’s walk through this…  At the AR speed dating event, using the technology, the two app users would meet for the first time and rather than exchange pleasantries about their jobs and lives and career aspirations etc. all these boring details, private details, the app would instead remind them both of a cafĂ© in a remote city where they both ate once, years apart (as per Facebook), and ask them to recall the best thing on the menu, or anything they can remember about the place. In this way, their true personalities are more easily discovered and the exchange is altogether more meaningful. 

The program would also streamline the path for follow-up encounters by suggesting ‘equal distance’ restaurants or other suitable meeting places (maybe some sponsorship opportunities here) and just as it paved the path to friendship, it’s a safe perishable conduit that’s easily terminated by one or the other party if they do not like each other after their first date.

It’s a far cry from what’s possible with the contact lens powered equipment seen in the short film "Sight", but its safer too – it’s a simple Facebook API powered AR solution.  Developers? Are you working on this? Please comment below if you have ideas about creating a dating AR interface.

Politics, Love, Trumpites and Dealbreakers

So... Donald Trump is the president elect.

Now imagine going on a first date with a Trumpite (Trump supporter) and not knowing that they are a Trump supporter when you agreed to the first date on POF, OKCupid or whatever personals website you use.

Depending on your political leanings, someone being a Trump supporter might be a Dealbreaker for you. (Dealbreakers are things you learn about a potential mate that cause you to want to dump them immediately. After all if you spot something wrong with them that will ultimately ruin the relationship, don't you owe it to yourself - and them - to break it off immediately?)

Or maybe you really love Trump (which makes you a Trumpite) and dating a fellow Trumpite sounds like an exciting prospect to you. And dating a Hillary supporter or any other sane person messes with your insane-Trump-loving brain.

Thus there a number of things people should check before they even go on a first date.

Possible Dealbreakers

#1. Are they a Trumpite?

#2. Are they a smoker?

#3. Are they an alcoholic or a drug addict?

#4. Do they support a woman's right to choose?

#5. Are they an omnivore? (Because dating a vegan can sometimes be a dealbreaker, while some vegans refuse to date omnivores.)

#6. Are they poor? (For golddiggers, this can be a dealbreaker if they only want to marry a rich person.)

#7. Are they gainfully employed? (For people who want to avoid golddiggers, this can be a dealbreaker if the other person doesn't even have a job.)

#8. Do they have any STDs? (Seriously, people need to be more upfront about this.)

#9. Are they a racist bigot / anti-semite / sexist pig? (Although the difference between this and a Trumpite is very little.)

#10. Are they just really stupid and stupid people annoy you? (Again, Trumpites...)



In other news, here are some amusing Trump memes.
















Five Tips for Restaurant Dates

Tip #1. Never take your date to a fast food restaurant where there is a high chance the staff spit on the food. The only saliva in your date's mouth should be yours and theirs. Find a place more upscale where you are expected to tip the waiter.

Tip #2. On a first date men and women should do two things:

(1) Split the bill at the restaurant; (Arguably the best way to split the bill is to bring cash, although some people prefer debit or credit. Bring both.)

(2) Understand that if a man pays for everything and then expects a woman to automatically have sex with him, that basically makes her a prostitute. By splitting the bill (going Dutch) it also makes it clear the woman is interested in the man, and not in his money. If the man pays for everything and becomes really pushy about having sex, that coerciveness technically makes any sex that follows to legally count as "date rape". Smart women pay half. Smart men who want to be loved for being themselves, and not resort to paying for sex / date rape, should also pay half. And if a woman doesn't like it when a man wants to go Dutch, that woman is a golddigger and not worth dating.

Traditionalists may not want to hear these things, but hey date rape, prostitution, and golddiggers are all very traditional.

Tip #3. Chivalry isn't dead. Pull out the chair for the lady and help her out of her jacket. Chivalry is one tradition worth keeping.

Tip #4. Tip the waiter. Even if the service was bad.

10% for bad service.
15% for good service.

Tip #5. Polite dinner conversation. There are certain topics you should never discuss at a restaurant while on a date. Politics, religion, abortion, alien conspiracy theories, dead animals, murder, etc. If those topics come up by accident don't avoid the topic, but steer the conversation elsewhere.

Marriage and Popping the Question

By C. M., September 2016.

Last month I got married. Of all the long term relationships you can get into, marriage is the big one.

Thus popping the question about the big one should likewise be important.

My bride and I had discussed getting married and having kids multiple times prior to the rings, the preparations, the vows, etc. So when we finally decided to get married I never actually got down on one knee. Nor was I nervous about whether she would say yes. Having discussed the matter as a couple many times I was 100% certain this is what she wanted.

We discussed what kind of ring she wanted in a store, and I went there one Friday and made the order for a ring in her size.

We also discussed what kind of ring I wanted, and she later ordered it in my size online from a shop on Etsy. (I was rather peculiar about the kind of ring I wanted and I had to search online before finding one made of wood/titanium.)

Once the rings were on we started making preparations, choosing a wedding date, deciding where to get married, where to have a meal afterwards, the reception, how to decorate for the event, where to have our Honeymoon (Montreal), what to do about the cat while we are gone on our Honeymoon, etc.

I should note however that this was not my first rodeo. Nor my 2nd.

I was first engaged to get married when I was 20. Got the ring. Proposed on one knee under a blossoming apple tree. Cancelled the whole thing when I found out she was a psychopathic liar. Yada yada yada, she is crazy and I want nothing to do with her.

The second time I was 26. I was more cautious about getting engaged that time around. Never got the ring. Never got down on one knee. Discussed getting married many times, made plans to get married while we were traveling overseas together (we wanted a traditional Korean wedding with the Hanbok et al, which is unusual because neither one of us was Korean), and we had discussed getting remarried in different traditional weddings for each country we traveled to...

Which is a fun idea I still like. It would be like visiting Vegas and renewing our vows there with an Elvis impersonator.

But alas that second time was not to be. While I was cautious about that relationship, I think I was wise to be cautious. She had no career goals and as time went by we drifted apart. I had no interest in marrying someone who didn't have aspirations to do something for a career, and she had developed a horrible gaming addiction. As far as I know she is probably living in her parents basement by now, playing video games all the time. That relationship also lasted seven years, to the point that we were practically married anyway and the final breakup was more like a divorce but without all the lawyers.

So when it finally came time to try again (3rd time is the charm) I was 37.

Took my sweet time finding the right one.

And yet never popped the question. Not really. Just discussed it a lot and then got the ring.

I should note that she did not tell her mother or anyone else we were getting married until she had the ring to prove it. So I guess me coming home from the store with the ring (and the warranty) was "the moment" it all became real.

I know other people have done it different ways.

  1. My cousin proposed to his wife while rollerblading. He wore kneepads while rollerblading, so he didn't hurt his knees when kneeling.
  2. A friend of mine proposed on Valentines Day. Rented a fancy hotel room. Sprinkled it with rose petals, bought champagne, spelled Marry Me using rose petals, the whole deal.
  3. Another friend proposed at his then-girlfriend's birthday party, in front of her parents. Prior to that she had adamantly declared that she would never get married and said she did not believe in marriage. Apparently his plan worked, they are now married.
So there are a variety of ways to go about the whole process of "popping the question".

  • Outdoors Vs Indoors.
  • Private Proposal Vs Large Event (eg. Family Event)
  • Romantic or Somewhat Silly

And then there are those idiots who propose at baseball games in front of a large crowd and a television audience of millions. (I wonder what percentage of those proposals end in her saying yes on television and changing her mind later on...)

There should definitely be some places you never propose...

#1. Never propose at a funeral.

#2. Never propose at someone else's wedding or birthday, etc. (Someone other than your intended bride.) Why? Because you are taking the spotlight away from the people who are actually getting married or from their birthday, you dolt!

#3. Never propose while one or both of you are drunk, high, heavily medicated, super tired (prone to suggestion), etc.

Lastly...


THERE IS NO REASON WHY THE WOMAN CANNOT PROPOSE TO THE MAN.

No seriously. It is not a real tradition that the man has to do the proposing. Women have been proposing marriage since the dawn of marriage. Heck, it is probably women who came up with the whole idea of marriage - which is essentially a social contract to ensure the man doesn't ignore his parental responsibilities to his wife and kids.

Modern marriage also allow for same-sex marriages, so that when they get married they have parental custody and responsibility of their kids, whether they use sperm donors to get pregnant or adopt a kid, marriage is ultimately the cornerstone of having children and making sure they are provided for.

Now while some people do have childless marriages, the core principle and purpose of marriage is to try and form a "family unit", which can take a variety of shapes and have many types. Some childless marriages could simply mean they are trying to adopt. Or perhaps they are hoping to live vicariously through their nieces and nephews. Who knows.

Thoughts on any of the above? The comments section is below.

Jian Ghomeshi, the Sexual Predator and why "Not Guilty" does not mean Innocent

When meeting new lovers, especially via online personals, a common thing women do is try to assess whether the person they are meeting is a sexual predator or a violent offender.

Jian Ghomeshi is both, admitting to both choking and slapping women, and then claiming that it was consensual. And yet five women, all women Jian Ghomeshi partnered with in the past, all say that he choked, slapped and physically abused them.

Victim #1

Victim #2

Victim #3
Victim #4

Victim #5

And there are two more women who came forward with allegations, but the crown prosecutors decided their stories lacked enough evidence to hold up in court. So really there should also be:

Victim #6

Victim #7.

Plus any other victims who decided not to come forward. 90% of sexual assault victims never come forward. Mathematically that means there is likely 70 victims total and only 7 decided to come forward.

Then you have the friends and co-workers of the women.

Five victims multiplied by the number of people who witnessed bruises, listened to the stories of his victims, and even people who witnessed the abuse first hand but for whatever reason did nothing.

The sheer amount of testimonial evidence against Jian Ghomeshi is staggering, and yet, earlier today he was declared "not guilty" because of a technicality. Two of the victims had communicated to each other and compared what had happened to them, which the judge felt tainted their stories in what happened, and that cast suspicion on the matter of reasonable doubt.

In July 2014 Jian Ghomeshi revealed that he had a teddy bear named Big Ears. He said the bear helped him deal with his generalized anxiety disorder.

Note - Generalized Anxiety Disorder (or GAD) is characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school.

Symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder include uncontrollable anxiety, frustration, anger issues, inability to relax, violent outbursts, feeling of being overwhelmed, difficulty concentrating, difficulty sleeping, muscle aches, jumpy, restless, sudden mood changes, nausea, diarrhea.

Oddly enough the violent outbursts listed in the symptom is considered by some to be helpful, letting the person with GAD release some of their anxiety - which sadly means they might be taking it out on their victims. 

The teddy bear apparently helped Jian relax and reduced his symptoms, but it was by no means a cure.

Two of Jian's victims say that after being invited to his house and before he proceeded to assault her,  Jian Ghomeshi turned the bear to the wall and said, "Big Ears Teddy shouldn’t see this."

Wow. That is really creepy.

Also, it is the kind of thing people wouldn't make up.

Who would make up a story about being sexually assaulted and saying that their attacker talked to his teddy bear before he proceeded to assault them? Nobody would make up such nonsense.

Lets pretend for a moment that the women really did compare what happened to them, there is logically either one of two options:

#1. Both women really did witness Jian Ghomeshi talk to his teddy bear before sexually assaulting them.

#2. Only one of the women did witness Jian Ghomeshi talk to his teddy bear before sexually assaulting her, and the other woman embellished her story by adding that part.

There really is no third option, because nobody would make up a story about him talking to his teddy bear.

Logically this means that Jian Ghomeshi is guilty. However because the law doesn't always follow the rules of logic, he was found not guilty due to a technicality - which goes to that whole problem of reasonable doubt.

Everyone know Jian Ghomeshi did it, he even admits to it, but he claims it was consensual. Except he has seven victims, 3 of which testified in the court case that ended today. In June a new court case will go forward with 2 more victims.


Logically, after comparing all of the victims and their allegations you start to see a trend, a MO (modus operandi) - which means method of operation. Serial sex offenders tend to change and refine their techniques over the years, often developing a pattern of operation.

In Jian Ghomeshi's case police and lawyers can see a very obvious trend. Get the women alone, slap them, choke them if necessary, and then sexually assault them. No mention of obtaining consent.

In Canada our laws concerning sexual consent are very clear. If the woman says no at any time, it means consent has not been given and anything that occurs afterwards is considered to be a sexual assault.

Multiple women said no. Multiple women came forward with allegations that they had been victimized by a creepy psychopath. And so far Jian Ghomeshi has escaped justice from 3 of those women.

Jian Ghomeshi is not innocent. That much is clear. Not guilty does not mean innocent. Not guilty simply means there isn't enough evidence to convict.

And this ladies is why you should worry about dating any person you believe to have violent tendencies. Jian Ghomeshi included.

Sexual predators are all around us. One in three Canadian women are sexually assaulted at some point in there lifetime, but that doesn't mean that one in three men are doing such horrible things. No, it is the serial sex offenders who have abused 70 or more women that are causing such problems.

Some sex offenders in the system are what should properly be called sex offender addicts. They are addicted to harming other people. It doesn't matter whether they only abuse 10 people or 500 people, they are all addicts.

And Jian Ghomeshi is now known to be one of them.

Before going out on a date with someone you have never met before you really should:

#1. Google their name. Find out if they have any past history of violence or criminal activity. Usually it will be in newspaper articles if they have done something truly violent.

#2. Check their Facebook profile. See if they are posting anything that sets off any warning bells or red flags (or even just general deal breakers relationship wise).

#3. Trust your instincts. If the person does seem creepy to you for whatever reasons, just drop the conversation and give up on them.

There are many more people out there, some of them are like Jian Ghomeshi, but chances are likely that most of them are normal, relatively honest and worth your time.

Promocode for Couples Archery Lessons in Toronto

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The promocode expires at 12:01 AM on January 1st 2016 so if you are looking for a discount on couples archery lessons, go book them now!

The promocode is only valid before January 1st 2016. If you wait until New Years Day to use the code, it is too late.

The promocode can only be used for booking lessons for 2 people (so you could just bring a friend instead if you break up somehow).

For activities to do on a first date, on an anniversary, birthday, or just for fun - archery is pretty difficult to beat.



The Lavishness of Hobby Specific Gifts

By Charles Moffat, Toronto Archery Instructor.

I know multiple men who have spent $300+ on archery equipment for their girlfriends. Why? Because they want their girlfriends to share their love of the sport so that they can go do archery together. Sometimes the girlfriend ends up only using the equipment once or twice before they break up with the guy, sometimes they stay together and end up loving the sport (and spending time together).

I remember about 6 years ago buying a girlfriend rollerblades. She used them ONCE and then never used them again, despite coaxing and pleading. We eventually broke up years later, for different reasons, but the idea of rollerblading together was still stuck in my head.

The concept isn't limited either.
  • Go cycling together = both people need bicycles.
  • Go rollerblading together = both people need rollerblades that fit.
  • Doing archery together = both people need bows, arrows, shooting glove, etc.
  • Rock climbing together = both people need a safety harness, climbing boots, rock climbing gear.
  • Horseback riding together = You are going to need two horses, either rented or owned, plus saddle and possibly horse riding lessons.
  • Fishing together = Two fishing rods and enough fishing tackle for two people (plus food as fishing is time consumingly boring).
  • Knitting together = Enough yarn and knitting needles for two people.
  • Playing PS4 together = Two controllers and games that two people can play together in two player mode.

Sometimes it just happens that one person in the relationship will lavish the other person with "sporting equipment" or other things just so they can do the activity together. Note - I added the knitting needles and PS4 at the end to show that this isn't limited to sports.

Is it really a big deal however? You are introducing the other person to an activity that you love doing, with the hope that they end up loving it too? Is that really so bad? (It isn't like you are introducing them to the life of being a serial killer or something equally grotesque.)

Introducing someone to a new sport can even be quite romantic...


So-Called "Nice Guys" and the Real Reason Why "Nice Guys" Finish Last

By Suzannah Weiss

On the ride home from a date spent struggling through a conversation with a guy I had very little in common with, he turned to me from the driver’s seat and asked, “So, want to do this again some time?”

I was genuinely confused by his suggestion.

He had spent the majority of our dinner at Applebee’s talking about his workout routines and the caloric content of the menu items; I was a Gender and Sexuality Studies student writing my thesis on how gender stereotypes contribute to eating disorders. It seemed like a horrible match.

“Honestly,” I said, “I’m not sure if we’d have much to talk about.”

“Do you mean all of that was for nothing?” he asked, taking me aback. “This always happens.”

“And what girls don’t realize is, I’m actually a nice guy,” he went on. “Most of the guys you dated before, you know, were probably just trying to pop you.” (I still cringe at that phrase.)

The unfortunate thing is, he actually succeeded in guilting me into a second date. At the time, I wasn’t well versed in what a self-identified “nice guy” (also sometimes known in feminist circles as Nice Guys™) actually was: someone who feels entitled to women for his supposed kindness.

I now know that Nice Guy™ behavior– which is based on one’s sense of superiority stemming from one’s “nice guy” status and usually accompanied by indignation when women reject the “nice guy” – is actually a telltale sign that someone is not nice.

While others may exhibit similar behavior, regardless of gender or orientation, “nice guys” are typically men who date women, since the entitlement they feel has misogynistic roots.

Since my first run-in with Nice Guy Syndrome™, I’ve encountered more “nice guys” who use similar arguments to advocate for themselves – statements I now view as red flags.

Here are a few popular claims made by “nice guys” and what you need to know if someone says them to you.

1. ‘You Owe Nice Guys a Chance’

“Nice guys” might claim that they deserve your consideration for being so nice.

We hear this not just from “nice guys” themselves, but also from other people who give us relationship advice. If only you would just give that nice guy a chance, popular wisdom goes, he might surprise you.

The pop culture trope of the dogged nice guy doesn’t help either: Movies and TV are full of “nice” men who finally obtain the leading lady’s affections through perseverance once she realizes how nice he is (think Ross in Friends or Lenny in The Big Bang Theory).

But even if someone actually is nice, you may not want to date him for a number of reasons: You have nothing in common, you’re not attracted to him, you don’t really want to date anyone, and so on.

All these reasons are valid.

Being nice is not a ticket to a date with a person of your choice. And if he believes it is, he doesn’t respect your autonomy – which is not nice.

2. ‘Nice Guys Finish Last – Because Women Like Bad Boys’

“Nice guys” often evoke notions of fairness when they complain about being passed over. One guy I met on OKCupid even told me it was “unjust” that women didn’t respond to his messages.

Sending messages out into the ether is a struggle all OKCupid users can relate to – but most of us don’t consider this paucity of replies “unjust” because we don’t feel entitled to a message in the first place.

As the Tumblr Nice Guys of OKCupid demonstrates, there’s a notable correlation between guys who call themselves “nice” in their profiles and guys with misogynistic entitlement complexes.

Like many of OKCupid’s nice guys, this online dater complained that he gets overlooked while less-nice guys who don’t deserve women’s affections are more popular. This is a widespread stereotype: women like bad boys.

The belief that women like jerks contains hints of misogyny because it stems from the stereotype that women want to be dominated and controlled. While some women may date men who are domineering because our culture prescribes that this is what they should want, “nice guys” often make this accusation against women who aren’t seeking out jerks.

More often, they’re saying “women like bad boys” to discount other reasons women might pass them up. Accusing women of rejecting them just because they’re not jerks is a convenient way for them not to examine themselves.

Regardless, the assumption that people should be awarded dates according to how nice they are, with good people getting many and jerks getting very few, simply doesn’t reflect how dating works. Human beings are not rewards for kindness.

Sometimes, nice people struggle with their love lives. Sometimes, not-so-nice people have an easier time. This may seem unfair, but the whole concept of fairness is irrelevant when personal choices are concerned.

You do not have to be an equal-opportunity dater.

3. ‘Nice Guys Get Stuck in the Friend Zone’

Some men complain that women only want to be their friends when they would make such great boyfriends (better boyfriends, they often point out, than the “bad boys” their friends date).

Once again, pop culture reinforces this belief. The dogged “nice guy” in shows like Friends and The Big Bang Theory is often a friend mistakenly overlooked as a romantic prospect.

Viewers are supposed to think it was dense of the woman to not realize that the love she sought was in front of her the whole time.

And even when the nice guy accepts his “friend” status, he is often rewarded for his patience when she realizes he was what she wanted all along (think of Gordo in Lizzie McGuire).

Stories of friends who get together can be sweet, and unrequited crushes on friends are always painful, but there are plenty of valid reasons not to date a friend. Someone who is a great friend for you may not be the best boyfriend for you, and that’s okay. And even if he could hypothetically be a good boyfriend, you may just not feel that way about him, and that’s okay too.

If someone harbors any hostility toward you for “only” wanting to be his friend, he’s probably not the best friend or boyfriend. Your friendship is not a consolation prize – and the idea of being relegated to friend status hinges on the notion that he was expecting more in the first place.

And his friendship is not a bargaining token. It should be given freely without expecting anything in return except mutual friendship.
4. ‘Nice Guys Are Rare Gems’

“Nice guys” usually oppose themselves to “most guys.”

Like the “nice guy” from my Applebee’s date, they think other men are just trying to manipulate women into sex, while they are the saviors who actually care about women.

The irony is that many of them use this supposed caring to manipulate women into sex or dating.

There are plenty of men who respect the women they date, and they’re rarely found talking about how nice they are. They assume it’s a given that they won’t pressure anyone into sex or otherwise mistreat them. They don’t think they deserve a badge reading “Nice Guy” for that basic courtesy.

Kind men aren’t as rare as so-called “nice guys” would like you to think. They’re just not shouting from the rooftops that they’re “nice guys.”
5. ‘Nice Guys Are Nice for Even Noticing You’

Many women are taught that because of their appearance, race, ability status, or other traits, they are undesirable, so people are doing them a favor for paying any attention to them at all, even if they’re disrespectful or abusive.

“Nice guys” exploit this belief to manipulate women.

For example, a “nice guy” may tell a fat woman she’s lucky to have earned his affections when he could date someone thinner – and that she should put up with his disrespect because she can’t do better.

This tactic isn’t limited to any demographic, though; “nice guys” will use any trick to convince you they’re nice for dating you and you’re lucky to date them.

But you’re never lucky to date someone who feels he is above you.

There are people out there who will not act like they’re doing you a favor and instead will feel as lucky to be with you as you feel to be with them.
6. ‘Practicing Basic Human Decency Makes Me a Nice Guy’

Our culture over-classifies men as nice guys, and the effects of this undue admiration are dangerous.

Our low standards for men manifest in a number of ways: In addition to applauding men for taking on parenting duties that are expected of women, we praise them for sexual conduct that should be mandatory, not praiseworthy.

I remember seeing a movie called Fish Tank with a guy I was dating in college. In one scene, the main character – a teenage girl – was partially undressed and asleep. When her mom’s boyfriend tucked her in, paused as if considering doing more, then left, my date turned to me and said, “Oh, he’s a good guy.”

I was confused. If refraining from sexual assault makes someone a “good guy,” what do regular guys do?

If my date’s own behavior was any indication, believing that basic human decency makes someone a “good guy” means that men can get away with a whole lot before becoming bad guys.

I learned this later that day, when we were hanging out in my room.

We started kissing, as we’d done before, and when he reached for my shirt button, I told him I wasn’t ready for that – something I’d told him before. After I thought that was settled, I saw a lascivious grin on his face and realized he had unbuttoned my shirt without me noticing. After I pulled away, he apologized.

“At least you stopped,” I reassured him, confused myself about what was and wasn’t acceptable.

“I guess it’s just a guy thing,” he replied.

It made sense, really. If someone who cares about consent is a nice guy, someone who doesn’t is just a guy.

Men deemed nice guys for refraining from sexual assault are all over the media. In Animal House, when a girl is about to sleep with one of the protagonists but then passes out drunk, a devil and angel appear on his shoulder. “Fuck her brains out!” the devil yells, but he opts for the angel’s position and takes her home. The implication: Not raping is angelic. Another implication: It takes willpower not to rape.

Men who praise other men for not raping hold an attitude that may actually make them more likely to be sexually abusive: that sexual assault is an impulse, and resisting it requires moral fortitude.

A truly nice person does not have the impulse to rape. He views sexual assault as a crime and a trauma, not an unfortunate slip-up, and certainly not as a “guy thing.”

When we praise men for practicing basic codes of conduct like consent, we make failure to adhere to these standards the norm.
7. ‘Nice Guys Are Nice’

Because they hold all the beliefs above, “nice guys” are not kind people.

They manipulate, objectify, and sometimes abuse women, all while using their “nice guy” status to excuse their own behavior.

And at their extreme, “nice guys” can be violent.

Last year, a 22-year-old man killed several people and himself because, like many “nice guys,” he found it unjust that women did not show him interest.

“I’ve been forced to endure an existence of loneliness, rejection, and unfulfilled desires all because girls have never been attracted to me,” he complained in a video he taped before the shooting. “Girls gave their affection and sex and love to other men, but never to me.”

While it’s unclear what other factors contributed to this horrific crime, he impeccably fit the profile of the “nice guy.” He described himself as an “ideal, magnificent gentleman” who deserved the attention of women who went after jerks instead.

While most ramifications of the “nice guy’s” attitude are less extreme, this incident demonstrates how the beliefs held by nice guys can be hurtful at best and truly dangerous at worst.

***

Whether Nice Guy Syndrome™ manifests as arguing with a woman on the way home from a date, touching her without her permission, or committing a violent crime, it dehumanizes women.

In a “nice guy’s” world, women are merely rewards for decent behavior, and the standards for decent behavior are very low.

One tell-tale sign that someone’s not a nice guy is that he tries to use his “nice guy” status as leverage to get what he wants or evidence that he deserves it. He may simply complain about a dearth of messages in his OKCupid inbox, but he could also be capable of worse.

I learned this the hard way. I didn’t feel empowered to stand up to “nice guys” because I felt guilty for hurting their feelings. But they don’t deserve our guilt.

You always have the right to say “no” when someone tries to pressure you into a situation you don’t like. If he makes you feel like you owe him anything, the shame is on him, not you. Despite what he says, he doesn’t have the moral high ground.

Fortunately, genuinely nice people know this.

You’ll know you’ve found a truly nice guy when you feel no obligation toward him and no remorse for rejecting him. He will demand no explanation for your decision not to date or sleep with him because he respects your autonomy. He’d rather make sure you feel safe than make sure he feels desired. And when he is desired, your desire will be genuine, not something forced out of you by manipulative lies.

These guys are worth waiting for, but they don’t deserve a badge of honor. They’re simply offering you basic respect. And despite what “nice guys” might say, you deserve that respect and owe nothing in return.


Ashley Madison's Phoney Accounts

Have an affair?

More like: No girls allowed.

A writer for tech news site Gizmodo analyzed the leaked Ashley Madison data and came to the conclusion that, not only are 95% of the women on the site fake accounts, but of those who are likely real, very few logged back in after creating an account.

In short, husbands of the world, breathe easy: there are barely any wives cheating on Ashley Madison.

It's no secret there are overwhelmingly more men than women on the site. And Ashley Madison has confessed that some of its profiles are fake -- "for entertainment" purposes only.

But the recent data breach shows just how many are obviously created to give the impression there are women on the site with whom men can cheat.

Gizmodo writer Annalee Newitz ran the Ashley Madison profiles through scripts that identify "anomalous patterns" and discovered several accounts shared similar e-mail addresses -- including ashleymadison.com domains -- as well as IP numbers, common names, and other oddities that point to phony accounts.

Even more damning was a check into account use.

Of the roughly 37 million accounts on Ashley Madison, only 1,492 women ever checked their inbox for messages.

"Whatever the answer, the more I examined those 5.5 million female profiles, the more obvious it became that none of them had ever talked to men on the site, or even used the site at all after creating a profile," Newitz wrote.

Which means Ashley Madison was never intended to have people cheating on their spouses - it was designed to bilk men who wanted to cheat on their wives out of money, creating the temptation to cheat, charging them money to talk to "fake women" on the website, and then they never actually meet any women on there.

The entire website is basically a huge scam geared towards bilking money out of men who want to cheat - without ever providing the opportunity to actually do so.

So does that make cheating okay? No. It doesn't. But it certainly teaches all those men a lesson: "Don't cheat or we will take your money."

Which sounds like what a divorce lawyer would say.

Which means that the scene in the cartoon below could never happen, because 99.99% of the women on Ashley Madison are fake.


10 Tips for Dating Asian People in Canada

Okay, so let us pretend for a moment you meet an Asian woman or man - and you are white and born/raised in Canada. This happens quite often amongst young people living in Canada's multicultural cities, but many of these relationships end because they feel they are "too different" and ignores the possibility that these two people might be perfect together, but their cultures won't let them.

So if you want to have a serious relationship with someone who is Asian (or African, or Middle Eastern, or Kryptonian - honestly, these tips will help any couple with a case of Culture Shock Love). Here are the tips:

#1. Meet their friends first, before you meet their family members. This is an important stepping stone in a relationship (any relationship). It shows you are serious about the relationship.

#2. Find the things you have in common - sports you both do, activities you both, a love of art / art galleries, and build upon that connection. So for example if you are in Toronto and you both love visiting art galleries make a weekly effort to go many of Toronto's art galleries. This connection will cement the idea that you two really do have things in common and are not so different as society would like you to believe.

#3. Avoid Stereotypes and Pitfalls - Jokes or comments about martial arts, jokes that start with "Confucius say", etc. You should also try to avoid the following things:
  • Guessing his or her ethnicity based on their appearance. Guessing is rude, but you shouldn't just assume either.
  • Asking "So what is your real name?" Isabel might be her real name her parents gave her.
  • Bow in an Asian manner. You're not in Asia so stop bowing. Do that when you visit his parents in China.
  • Say anything like "You're pretty strong for an Asian guy" or "Wow, you sure drink a lot for an Asian chick". If you don't know why that is wrong, you should not be dating them.
  • Spend way too much time checking our her hair. Straight black hair is not such a big deal.
  • Tell her about all the other Asian girls you dated. You wouldn't do this with a white girl, so don't do it with an Asian girl.
  • Don't assume that his family is poor. While it might have been true in the past that Asian immigrants were poor, these days it is the opposite. Asian immigrants coming to Canada these days are often quite wealthy or at least well-to-do.
#4. Do NOT Get Language Lessons - Honestly, this is one of the worst things you can do. At least don't do this in the first 6 months. Don't even mention the idea. This is something you do later, after the relationship is already serious and you are perhaps even living together.

#5. Don't assume that because they are Asian that they speak other Asian languages too - like asking a Japanese person if they also speak Korean or Chinese. In fact, don't assume they even speak Japanese unless they say they do.

#6. Don't Make A Big Deal of your Language Skills - Lets pretend you already know how to speak Japanese, Korean, Mandarin, Cantonese, Vietnamese, etc. Regardless of your level of knowledge, avoid making a big deal about it. Your relationship together should not be based on the fact that you already speak semi-fluent Japanese.

#7. Don't Correct their English unless they ask you to. Yes, they might still be learning, but you don't need to be constantly correcting their English unless they want that extra help.

#8. Treat them like you would any other person. The mistakes people make in Culture Shock relationships is that they make a big deal out of the differences, and this plants the idea that you really are too different to be together. And it is not the culture that is at stake here, it is your obsession with the different cultural differences and treating them differently because of it that will drive you two apart.

#9. Don't watch TV shows like "Fresh Off The Boat" together. Yes, it is a funny show, but watching that together is just weird.



However watching a TV show like "The Walking Dead", which has an interracial couple in it as part of the main cast - but they are not the primary focus of the show, is okay.


On the other hand, watching a show like Marco Polo - that show is over the line. So don't go there.


#10. Don't go to Asian restaurants unless they suggest it first. Go to normal restaurants. Showing an obsession with wanting to visit Asian restaurants all the time indicates you are more interested in his or her background and skin colour than you are in them as a person.

BONUS TIP - When introducing them to your parents, don't mention what their ethnic background is. Their first name is enough. Mention what they do for a living or what they are studying in school - the same things you would do for any other person.

The end result?

Treat them like a person. Treating people differently because of their ethnic background in insensitive and will result in them feeling like you don't really care about them as a person. Show that you care about who they are and that will show you are serious about a relationship with them as a person.

TrueLoveBites.ca - New Domain Name

Yesterday we registered TrueLoveBites.ca, our new Domain Name. We did so because the website recently surpassed 90,000 hits and we figured we should get a proper domain name before we reach the big 100,000 mark - which we should reach in the next 2 or 3 months.

As such we will continue to bring people relationship advice, reviews on personals websites, how to guides and more - but we will be bringing a more Canadian-centric perspective to some of our posts with articles like "10 Hot Places for Dates in Toronto", "7 Great Romantic Getaways in Canada", "Where are the Best Romantic Restaurants in Montreal?", "Americans Dating Canadians - The Woes of Long Distance Relationships", and even reviews of movies (rom coms, aka romantic comedies) showing in Canada. This is nothing new as we have mentioned Canada and various Canadian cities / locations in the past, but we will be adding more Canadian-centric articles in the future.

And as usual TrueLoveBites.ca will continue to post humour and our dose of relationship wit as well.

The photo below is from the Old Mill Hotel in Toronto.


Badoo Sucks and I will tell you why

When I bought my last cellphone it came with an app on it called Badoo, which is a dating / personals app designed to help attractive people meet other attractive people who live nearby - with no value based on personality and only a tiny bit based on their interests.

Having been on Badoo for 2.5 years now I have long since concluded that Badoo (both the app and the website) suck at matching people up. And I shall explain why.

#1. The app is mostly for sharing photos, something you could do on Twitter or Facebook. The difference is that if your photos don't show your face then they get deleted. So photos of you doing anything or wearing anything that obscures your face will automatically get deleted. What does get shown however is lots of mirror selfies, selfies and boring headshots - and only those that get voted on and get high votes for attractiveness are shown. That means all the personality is taken out and what is left is juried acceptability.

#2. There is no section to talk about yourself. This is a big part of other personals websites / apps like POF or OK Cupid. On Badoo you are being asked to judge people almost solely on their looks, which means you are guessing their personality based upon appearance - which as we all know is a highly inaccurate method.

#3. There is a small section for interests where people often state they like Music or Laughing or many other things that basically everyone likes doing. For fun I should go on there and add that I like Money and Free Stuff, because everyone likes having those things too.

#4. Communication sucks too. One of the things the app / website does is it lets people know when someone else likes them, but if you want to communicate with them you have to pay for it. Another feature is when two people like each others photos it lets you know that you both turned your keys effectively, and you can communicate for free, but to do so you need to overcome the awkwardness of "So... We both liked the other person's photo but I know diddly squat about your personality. How do I know you are not a psycho?"

#5. The more you use Badoo the more you realize POF and OK Cupid are infinitely better. Badoo is basically a time waster for looking at photos, rarely communicating with people and the chances of you meeting one of them in person is nil because it is by far the creepiest app to have a conversation on. POF and OK Cupid at least have personality profiles to base a conversation on and thereby avoid the awkward creepiness.

As a review, I give Badoo 0 stars out of 5. It doesn't deserve a single star and it is past time I deleted it from my phone.

In contrast I give POF 4 stars out of 5 and OK Cupid 5 stars out of 5.

Valentines is coming, Rose Colour Meanings + Bizarre Black Tar Rose

Today is February 1st which means Valentines is coming soon.

Which means your lover may try to get you some roses. (I like chocolate roses myself, when you are tired of looking at them you can just eat them. What girl or guy wouldn`t want chocolate roses???)

But lets pretend you are more of a traditionalist who wants something more meaningful?

Or maybe you're single and have decided to spend Valentines with a single friend (just friends) and you want to get them something that signifies friendship. Hint hint, yellow roses = friendship.

The Meaning of Rose Colours

Colours have profound meanings to us in society.  Throughout history colours have been used to signify royalty or high standing (purple in Ancient Rome) or purity (white is the first choice for religious groups in many different societies).  Colours have significant psychological effects on us and can change our mood, our energy and our emotions.  This same principle has been applied to roses over the years.  When one gives a rose to another person they are not just giving a flower, they are also conveying a coded meaning that can be deciphered by looking at the colour of the rose.  Most people know that red roses mean 'I Love You', but does it mean anything else and what do the other colours mean?

Red Roses

When we think of roses we always think of a red rose and it is the most common rose given on Valentine's day.  Red roses are meant to convey the following meanings: passion, beauty, courage and respect.  With so many connotations it is no wonder the red rose is used so much.  It can be used to tell a person that you have fallen in love with them or to tell another person that you are proud that they graduated from college.

Orange Roses

Being a mix of yellow and red, orange roses are more rare and signify love. This doesn't mean they are the "friends with benefits roses", orange roses are a mix of both friendship and love and therefore to be cherished.

Yellow Roses

Friendship! Huzzah! Really only useful on Valentines if you want to give them to a friend who is just a friend in every sense of the word. None of this "friends with benefits" nonsense.


Pink Roses

Pink roses are used to tell another that you appreciate them, to convey grace and to describe a feeling of happiness. Pink roses are used to indicate platonic feelings of caring and joy.  You might give pink roses to your grandmother on her birthday to show that you care and enjoy her company.


Blue Roses


Blue roses are actually just white roses which have been dyed blue. They signify intelligence, creativity and uniqueness.

Lavender Roses

Lavender roses are a rare type and are not usually thought of at all when one thinks of roses.    When one gives a lavender rose to another the giver is telling the recipient that they have fallen in love at first sight or that they are enchanted with the recipient.  You may want to give it on a first date to express your infatuation to your hopefully future girlfriend or boyfriend.

White Roses

Signify purity, marriage, children, a bond of family.

Turkish Black Rose during the summer months.

Turkish Black Rose when not in season.
Black Roses

A black rose is extremely rare.  In fact, there is only one variety and it can be found only in Turkey.  It is called the Halfati rose, named after the village that is grown in, and is truly black only in the summer months.  In the other seasons that rose appears to be deep crimson.  The rose only grows in that region because of the particular pH balance found near the Euphrates river.  It will only last for 1 week when cut.  To the Turks, the Halfati rose represents deep passion and death, so the rose could be given to a lover or as a warning to your enemies (try not to mix them up).

Given the extreme rarity of the Halfati rose, it may be a good idea to try to find other sources of black roses if you are so inclined to give them. eg. You could dye them black somehow. A local flat roofing company may be your best bet.  They can make a black rose for you by dipping a rose in roof tar in mere seconds.  The result is a black rose that will last forever.  Though it may not smell as good as the  Halfati rose, it will be much easier on your wallet.

I found out about the black tar roses on the Arob 12 website, but if you want to try making your own then I recommend reading How to make Black Roses using Roofing Tar.



I also found another source that tried using some kind of waterproofing material from a basement waterproofing company, but the results from their experiment ended up looking horrible so I don't recommend trying to make a black rose that way.

Honestly, given the choices, I would personally probably go for the chocolate roses made from chocolate icing.


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